Oh, People-Pleasing

We are raised to think that our duty in this world is to make others happy and not hurt their feelings. People-pleasing breads a lot of resentment in all of us! We all know that when we are focused on pleasing others, we are not honoring ourselves. We avoid the discomfort of being honest and saying no, thinking we must sacrifice our own needs or wants to be loving. This is a huge lie. When we people-please we are lying to them and not loving ourselves. 

Here is an example: Once I was asked to plan and execute an auction and wine tasting for charity. I’m pretty sure they asked me this because I was the only female in my organization. Of course, they were so flattering when they asked and I felt like, “yeah I’m good at planning and could do a good job.”  But honestly, I was 7 months pregnant and not at all excited about doing this event planning! I did not enjoy nor want to solicit donations, wine, and food. Oh…the resent was building inside. The sad part is we raised over $100,000 for charity and I couldn’t even celebrate that success. I was so bitter that I had coordinated this event and no one from the committee that asked me to do it in the first place attended or even acknowledged the success. 

The reality was that I was uncomfortable telling the requestor no and I did not have my own back in my decision. The result in avoiding that immediate discomfort was that I was uncomfortable for months of the planning and during the entirety of the actual event.  At the time, I did not know what people-pleasing was. Now that I see how much of my life was spent trying to please others, at my own expense, I practice getting clear on what I want and having my own back.

When you find yourself doing something that deep down you really don’t want to do pause, write down what your reasons are for and against doing it. For both sets of reasons, determine which you like more. Do not make decisions out of guilt or obligation, those roads lead to resentment. And once you decide: Have your own back!